I had a rather normal childhood, Nothing great happened and nothing terrible happened. My life had always existed on the average. My grades were average, my looks were average. I just went on living a rather normal life.
My mother passed away some years back , I was expecting it after the late stage cancer diagnosis; so in my own words “I experienced a well curated heart break”. I would hurt on some days but I would move on. Do that on repeat long enough and you know its normal to hurt but you move on . It was the past. Her death was part of the normal and average; people died every day so why not me or someone from my family. When my sister moved out and cut my father off; it was expected the lid of a boiling kettle is bound to fall at some point. In all of this, I have always been certain it would all work out in the end, It always did.
My life stopped being average today, I amassed a level of fear I have never experienced before, A more than avaerage fear. I was scared for the future, I was average at my Job, even below average on some days and unable to do what was needed to be better. you don’t get better at a job you hate you get out of it. Today I realized that my way out did not seem feasible. My averageness is a problem in a world that expects the absolute best, in not just one field but in so many fields.
I was an average writer, An average or sometimes below average singer, I was an average movie watcher something I would bet a kidney that I did my absolute best in.Thank goodness we were given two kidneys. I realized I was an average human with no means to exist in the future.
I was sad, I was disappointed, most importantly , I was scared.
I felt inspired by a Statement some days back that said if an opportunity presents itself once then it can come back. As a Master of optimism despite sailing through life in my averageness, it was easy to adapt to such a philosophy.
But today I realized I had never met any opportunity, So what was I expecting to come back? Nothing.
I have considered ending it , not cause of the sadness, disappointment or even fear but because why not. Why not end it?
So I did a brave thing today and decided not to end it.
Only cause I am lazy to do the research required for a quick, painless, affordable way to end it.
oh did I mention that I am considered lazy,
I can not move unless promoted by the motivation worthy of making millions go to war but that would only lead me to pick up my pen and write.
Was I really brave today for not ending things; I wonder as I type this. As an old master of optimism and wishful thinking, I will tap in one time and call it bravery.
I did a brave thing today.
I existed.