I had a rather normal childhood, Nothing great happened and nothing terrible happened. My life had always existed on the average. My grades were average, my looks were average. I just went on living a rather normal life.
My mother passed away some years back, I was expecting it after the late stage cancer diagnosis; so in my own words, “I experienced a well curated heart break”. I would hurt on some days but I would move on. Do that on repeat long enough and you know it is normal to hurt but you move on. It was the past. Her death was part of the normal and average; people died every day so why not me or someone from my family. When my sister moved out and cut my father off; it was expected, the lid of a boiling kettle is bound to fall off at some point. In all of this, I have always been certain it would all work out in the end, It always did.
My life stopped being average today, I amassed a level of fear I have never experienced before, A more than average fear. I was scared for the future, I was average at my Job, even below average on some days and unable to do what was needed to be better. You don’t get better at a job you hate, you get out of it. Today I realized that my way out did not seem feasible. My averageness is a problem in a world that expects the absolute best, in not just one field but in so many fields.
I was an average writer, An average or sometimes below average singer, I was an average movie watcher, something I would bet a kidney that I did my absolute best in. Thank goodness we were given two kidneys. I realized I was an average human with no means to exist in the future.
I was sad, I was disappointed, most importantly, I was scared.
In the past when ever I felt a tiny bit of fear I always leaned on a Statement that said “if an opportunity presents itself once then it can come back”. As a Master of optimism despite sailing through life in my averageness, it was easy to adapt to such a philosophy.
But today I realized I had never met any opportunity, So what was I expecting to come back? Nothing.
I have considered ending it, not cause of the sadness, disappointment or even fear but because why not. Why not end it?
So I did a brave thing today and decided not to end it.
Maybe because I am too lazy to do the research required for a quick, painless, affordable way to end it.
Oh did I mention that I am considered lazy,
I can not move unless promoted by the motivation worthy of making millions go to war but that would only lead me to pick up my pen and write.
Was I really brave today for not ending things; I wonder as I type this. As an old master of optimism and wishful thinking, I will tap in one time and call it bravery.
I did a brave thing today.
I existed.